When we started our adoption journey we had some family members who thought we were crazy, we had friends who said good for you and I'm sure talked behind our backs like we were psychos. Now that we are home we get the stare down when we go out and about. Mostly we get good feedback but I have been places several times where people act like I don't even have three sons. I am on Facebook all the time because that is the only place where I can connect with other families who are as crazy as we are!! Most people just don't get it. I am told all the time how busy I am. And this, all of this, is all good. And we are busy and our life is crazy but we wouldn't have it any other way. Because Jesus wants ALL of us! "Still another man said, I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family. Jesus replied, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."
Luke 9 61-62
And then today happened. My kids woke up at 6:30 and they were crabby and loud. And I needed more time away from them before they woke up. They were calling each other names and screaming and I had to fold the laundry and do the dishes and pick up the house and it was just plain annoying and overwhelming. And I love each of them to pieces but some days I wake up and I don't feel like being around them right away, I don't feel like hugging them, I just want to send them outside, away from me. And then Kiki, my two year old comes into the bathroom where I am trying to beautify the unbeautifiable and she throws my perfume bottle on the floor and it breaks. And I lose it and tell her to get out and that I hate her. Awesome mom, I know!! Because how dare my sweet innocent 2 year old break my perfume and get glass everywhere and make me be stinky for the next week and a half because I cannot drive the hour to get more perfume cuz I have six stinkin kids!! So I lost it. And there was a puddle of tears and perfume on the floor as I cried out to God and told him I can't do it, he's got the wrong lady, I don't have enough love, enough patience. And then I said it, I yelled at him and said I hate my life!!!! I hate my life!! How dare I scream this to our God of wonders!! So then I was reading the book Radical for 10 minutes while I made sure Little Bill was going to sleep and I came across this verse: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters-yes, even their own life-such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26-27
And it hit me, I think I am supposed to hate my own life. I have always known I am in God's will, even though most days it is messy and definitely not prim and proper. But this really hit me because I realized that I AM following him, I AM his disciple, even though it is not perfect. And this really hit me because it was such a God moment. I don't think it was coincidence that 2 hrs after I screamed those words, I read them in that book. No, not coincidence, but God. I love this picture, this picture of radical obedience, carrying our cross every day. This is why we chose to do what we did, so that we would be COMPLETELY dependent on our God every single day. So that we would in essence hate our life and carry our cross daily!! And I am so so grateful that God showed me this. And I am so so thankful to be living this crazy, radical, messy life. We will probably be making more radical choices as we live in obedience to the most amazing God EVER and we will most likely get told it's not a good idea. People will not approve. But I think it is clear that this is what Jesus wants from us, ALL of us, our WHOLE life. And we love it and we will live no other way than in RADICAL obedience to our Heavenly Father!!