Honesty

So today was a yucky adoption crazies day for this mama.  I am having a difficult time with all of the waiting.  We still have not received our written judgement and I found out that our 30 day wait will not start until a couple of weeks after our written judgement.  It is not until after the 30 day wait that we can breathe a sigh of relief knowing these are truly our kids.  So I prayed and I was mad at God and I wanted answers and I wanted to run, run far away from this adoption process.  Not because I don't love God and desire to live for Him, not because I don't love our boys, not because I don't love adoption.  But because it is too hard.  It is too challenging.  I want to do it my way, make it go faster, get my boys now!  Because I am selfish.  And as I think that it may be January, or it could be February, or it may be March before we can go them I just want to scream.  Scream at God to make it go faster, let me get my boys sooner.  If this is your will, why can't you move mountains and make it happen NOW!  But as I pray and read His word and listen to songs and read others words of wisdom I am gently but firmly reminded of Isaiah 55, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  It is not up to me.  I hear him saying are you going to follow me, are you going to allow me to get you through this, are you going to let me make you stronger?  You see I cannot try to do this thing that he has called me to with my own ways.  This challenge he has called me to is not for me to try to do on my own or for me to step in and change it or push it.  It is all about me relying solely and completely on HIM.  Instead of trying to do it my own way I have come to realize that I need to surrender.  Surrender in prayer and reading his word and learning more about who my amazing God is, allowing him to shape me.  And what is so awesome is that now at the end of my day, I am totally at peace.  At peace with just surrendering and allowing God the control.  And waiting well while he comforts me and changes me.  And I am renewed and refreshed and hopeful that our story draws others closer to Jesus.  And hopeful that others make the choice to open their hearts to adoption.  To a journey that is difficult but so amazingly wonderful in so many ways.  I feel blessed and honored and humbled everyday that God has chosen us to serve him in this way!